


Monsters

by Icarusdg



Series: Halloween Fest 2018 [19]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2018-10-19
Packaged: 2019-08-04 15:15:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16349126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icarusdg/pseuds/Icarusdg
Summary: There's more than one kind of monster.





	Monsters

**Author's Note:**

> This honestly wasn't supposed to be part of this but, when Monsters is the perfect name, it suddenly belongs. Please read the tags, I don't think I can elaborate more than what is there. Above all, remember there is a happy ending.

_I hate myself. I’m so stupid, I have no value, I’m just a worthless human being and a burden on my family._ Yuuri knew this was one of those days. The days when he would hide away and cry until his head hurt and eyes burned and he couldn’t pick himself up off the floor so he would fall asleep on the cold, stiff floor _like he deserved_. He hated those days the most. Regular anxiety ridden days were like heaven compared to these. No one knew what to do with him so they just let him have his time alone and waited for it to pass. _No one even wants to put up with your shit._ Sometimes he thought being alone made it worse. They couldn’t do anything, their comforting comments didn’t make it all suddenly go away but, alone the voice was screaming in his head, clawing at the wall like a crazed creature intent on destruction. Everyone has demons, _you’re not special,_ he just wasn’t strong enough to deal with his.

Winning silver at the GPF didn’t change that.

He’d like to say he and Victor had their happily ever after and everything was sunshine and rainbows but… well… here he was. Victor had to put up with this. Victor didn’t even know. _If he did he would leave in a heartbeat. You’re not worth staying for._ At least it was convenient enough to wait until Victor left for the rink and they had moved to St. Petersburg. Even Makka was out, enjoying her regular play date in the park with all the other local dogs. _Hiding your gross crying face like the shameful thing it is. No one wants a broken toy. You can’t even win a damn gold medal. You’re so pathetic, poor Victor as no idea what mess he’s gotten himself into, you’re just going to weigh him down._ All of it had been building up for days; this time, he saw it coming, knew he was going to boil over any day. Every mistake, every time he felt like Victor didn’t make a space for him, every time he thought maybe Victor didn’t really want him there. _He was just being nice, he didn’t actually want you living with him. You don’t even know how to read the situation enough to get that. After all, he’s gone about his life and already forgotten about you._

Yuuri was having trouble adjusting to the time change; he couldn’t sleep at night so he tried unpacking but Victor could be a surprisingly light sleeper and he would drag Yuuri back to bed without a word. _You can’t even let him sleep; he must be tired of you already. Any day now he’s going to tell you to go back._ The thought of Victor throwing him away made him cry harder. _You’re such a mess, anyone who puts up with you is a saint._ He couldn’t go on without Victor, not after this. He knew what it was like in Victor’s arms, the soft warmth of his lips, he knew what it felt like when Victor was in him, when he looked at Yuuri like he was everything. He couldn’t lose all of that just because he was too weak to get out of his own head. _You should just kill yourself and put yourself out of the misery_. Yuuri couldn’t even breath anymore he was crying so much. Black spots were starting to obscure blurred sight. _Maybe he wouldn’t wake up this time. What would Victor think?_

“Yuuri?”

_No! Victor couldn’t see him like this!_ Panic set in and all Yuuri could think was, he had to get away. Victor rushed to Yuuri’s side and tried to pull him into his arms but Yuuri kept fighting him, pushing him away. The desperate struggle was weak from the panic attack and Victor finally managed to pull Yuuri in so his head rested on Victor’s chest.

“Deep breaths Yuuri, breath with me, come on. Breathe in… and out. Nothing else matters right now, just breathe in… and out. Come on, again, breath in… and out.” When Yuuri tried to speak Victor shushed him; “Not right now, just breathe in… and out. We can talk later, in… and out. Right now you are just going to slow your breathing and relax okay? Breathe in… and out.” Slowly Victor loosened his grip on Yuuri so he could adjust Yuuri more comfortably on his lap. “Breathe in… and out.” Once Yuuri was situated sideways and resting in Victor’s arms, Victor started rubbing Yuuri’s back, working out the tension along his spine and shoulders. “Keep your slow breathing; I’ll be here when you need me.”

Yuuri fell asleep to the rhythm of Victor’s heartbeat.

***

It was hours later when Yuuri woke up. He was still in Victor’s lap only, now Makka was resting her head on him and the sun had long set. Victor’s arms were locked around his waist and Victor was lightly snoring, his head resting on Yuuri’s. _Victor knows now._ Before he could work himself into another panic, both Victor and Makka woke up. Makka immediately sat up and started licking Yuuri’s tear stained face while Victor resumed rubbing his back.

“My love, I’m going to tell you a secret no one else knows. Before you say anything, or even think anything, I want you to hear this okay?” Yuuri could only nod as he relaxed again and Makka settled into his lap once more.

“Being on the top is lonely. Everyone looks at you and only sees someone out of reach or someone to get close to for personal gain. Before you, no one wanted to know _me._ I was good because I practiced day and night until Yakov kicked me off the ice. Then I would go home and it was just me and Makka. The dog walker did everything so I didn’t even feed her, most days I didn’t care to feed myself. I did everything I could to keep up appearances but… I spent a lot of time where you are.” Victor’s voice broke before he whispered the next line. “I don’t know how much longer I would have survived before you showed up.”

Yuuri turned in Victor’s lap and hugged him tight. Tears streamed down his face but this time, for Victor, for the lonely man who bared his soul to Yuuri in a hot spring in a last desperate attempt to break free of his prison. He knew Victor had been alone, he even knew Victor was depressed because he could see the same sadness in Victor’s eyes that he saw in his own. But he didn’t quite know the depth of that sadness. They were two broken disasters fortunate enough to find each other. No, there would be no cookie cutter happily ever after, no sunshine and rainbow eternity; they would have hard earned happiness that they would build together. Every step forward and every step back, they would be there for each other. It wouldn’t be easy but, happiness rarely was.


End file.
